Taking a Walk in My Shoes…

For whatever reason, my mind has been tumbling with what I think are brilliant ideas and my bucket list is growing by the day. I am 24 years young and I have my whole life ahead of me. I am single. I don’t have any kids. I am self-reliant. I have no one directly depending on me.

As I was sitting in church yesterday it was brought to my attention that the average person lives to be 80 years old. After I attempted to do the math in my head, I pulled out my calculator. I am 24. 80 minus 24 is 56. I literally have 20,440 days left, approximately. That’s scary considering I’ve already spent 8,760 days, approximately.

Alright, enough of all that because my head is going to explode from the math. With that being said it is frightening to me to know that I have “x” days left.

What have I done to leave a legacy?

What have I done to touch someone’s life?

If I die tomorrow would anyone really remember me?

Have I finished my bucket list? I’ve been adding more than I’ve taken off of it. For some reason it hit like a ton of bricks yesterday that my life is not getting any longer.

Am I spending more time worrying about the future than actually LIVING my life?

Am I too preoccupied with living with material things?

Am I too worried about what everyone else thinks about me, that I can’t even be myself?

I learned a little about that yesterday:

There was a time where if any attention was brought to me, I would melt in agony. I was more shy and timid than outgoing and bubbly. I literally hated roll call days on the first day of school/class because everyone looks around for “Ledbetter, Christy” and every one looks at you. I hated being anywhere near the front of the room because I was more preoccupied with the whole class looking at the back of my head than the board in front of me. I have no idea why I was so shy. I still to this day am not fond of sitting on the front row anywhere. I like then middle on the side or the very back of the room. I sure do focus better. I can handle my name being called in a group setting. I can even handle speaking in front of people.

Yesterday I was minding my own business and climbing a set of stairs. I was at a little bit of a hop, skip and jump pace up the stairs. I was in my nice new Yellow Box flat sandals I had gotten a bargain on and was proud of them. I had just gotten a nice cold glass of lemonade and was heading to teach kids about giving “kind words.” I, gracefully as possible caught my flip flop on the top step and within about 2 milliseconds had flung myself into the wall directly in front of me and thankfully my cheek, knee & lemonade cup broke the impact.

From what I hear it was a pretty loud thud but it doesn’t end there. I then proceeded to fall on the floor and landed on my bottomith another pretty loud thud. I’m pretty sure for a minute I was absolutely disoriented from the blow to my head. Of course I was the only one around. As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough to hit face first into a wall AND falling UP the stairs I was conveniently surrounded by about 20 others who all witnessed or heard my wall impact AND fall to the floor. As best as I knew how, I just laughed. Only I could fall wearing FLIP-FLOPS. Any other time I would be wearing 3-5 inch stiletto heels on those stairs. But no, I fall wearing flip flops.

It was so easy to laugh at myself, because if I’m being absolutely honest it IS absolutely funny! I know that if I had cried I would be embarrassed that I cried over falling and then a month later I would laugh about it and be embarrassed that I had cried. I guarantee it will be a moment I will NEVER forget…I mean my knee and cheek are both still hurting. I can look back a month from now, a year from now or even years from now and remember the day I fell UP the stairs and broke my fall by flinging myself into a wall. It’s a moment I’ll never forget. Besides it’s quite healing to just laugh.

So I’ll happily mark day 20,441 off my list as doing something memorable. I suppose I’ll continue to try and do things that are a more “safe.” I’ll try to focus more on being me. I’ll think more about the little things in life. It’s a lot easier than worrying. So here’s to the next 56 years!

 “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…”

                        -Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

However, in my reality it was only 2011. Ups and Downs, Trials and Triumphs. And I am so glad it is finally behind me.

I started in January with the hopes of putting my past relationship behind me. I wanted to be rid of that anger, hurt, hope and fear behind me. I wanted to have a fresh start on dating and really focusing on me. I was starting my final semester of college and graduation planned for May. I knew that I would finally able to “get” a big girl job that didn’t involve folding clothes, running a cash register, or working every weekend. I would have time for friends, family and other commitments. I couldn’t wait to get out of school and move on with life. I did not do my typical new years resolution. I made a very simple two. One was to keep my laundry folded/hung and not staying in baskets. A pretty simple goal I thought. And the other was one I never told anyone. It was to invest in my friendships. Over the previous four years I had lost several friendships and I knew that I needed to really focus on them. I wanted to be me. I didn’t want to have to uphold an image and keep other peoples happiness before my own. I needed to let go of what everyone else thought of me.

Unfortunately, most of this did not make it to December 2011. In fact a few didn’t even make it out of January. (Mainly my laundry being put away)

I am not blaming all of 2011 on January 30, 2011, but I know it sure didn’t help a lot of things.

I started February with a broken family after attending daddy’s funeral. We arrived home after a whirlwind few days to try and get back to reality. Due to the snowstorm I had technically only been to class for one week. Then the next week I was out being with my family. I went back to class that next Monday to be more behind than I knew what to do with. I was scared I would not graduate and in fact almost dropped out.  After trying to balance going to class four days a week working all weekend and trying to be supportive for my family and maintain all of my commitments I couldn’t keep up. Something had to give.

In March I decided to leave retail for good and continue subbing for the rest of the school year. I pretty much was miserable when I worked there and besides I didn’t feel safe at all because they had just gotten robbed. The puzzle pieces fell together and I began subbing almost daily. I had also been dating a guy for a while and really felt we were going somewhere. I didn’t know where but I liked it. I finally got caught up with my school stuff and began to see the end in sight. I was heading down the path for graduation.

In April it occurred to me that after the school year was over I would not have an income. I knew that I was tutoring on the side for extra cash but it would not pay the bills for summer. I began looking for options for after graduation. I knew that subbing may not be a possibility for the fall either because of cutting substitutes in the middle and high schools. I was really struggling with trying to finish up semester-end projects during this as well. I am not the best student and do not claim to be. I am a professional procrastinator and was a beautiful example of this my entire tenure atKennesawState. I even honestly had great intentions of finishing all of my projects early. However the last week of April, a few nights before my HUGE Spanish Senior Presentation (which I will NEVER understand how I EVER passed) a few tornadoes decided to wreak havoc here in Bartow. This meant knocking out power at my house for 4/5ish days. Hence, no hot water, no power, no refrigerator etc. It was interesting to say the least. April was terrible.

In May I finally graduated KSU. Finally! It only took 5 years. It is one of my proudest moments. I was the first on both my mom and dad’s side of the family to graduate with a 4-year Bachelors degree. But if the truth be known, the day of graduation I did not even know if I had legitimately graduated because two of my grades I was not sure of. I did not know if I had actually graduated until the diploma arrived. So for the six weeks waiting on the diploma I was curious if I had forgotten to take a class, missed a credit somewhere. I also had acquired a super fun job for the summer doing summer camp for elementary kids. Little did I know what I had gotten myself into….

I learned a lot about myself during the months of June and July. I went on a field trip everyday with about 13 kids. We went everywhere. I learned a lot about my patience levels, my heat tolerance, and how quickly I could get ready in the mornings. I had hoped on a relaxing summer to celebrate my graduation but running around with all those kids in tow was exhausting. I have a whole new respect for teacher or adults who handle and care for kids every day all year. I exhausted myself so much that I dehydrated myself and got a kidney stone. Or that’s what the Dr. said anyway. I know I have no pain tolerance. I am a baby when I’m hurting and cannot do anything about it. Thankfully it simmered down long enough for me to spend some time relaxing on the beach inFlorida. I needed that and was so thankful to get away.

After a lot of pressure in the summer to figure out my plans for employment during the fall after summer camp I stumbled upon my current job and started on August 1. To say that I was blessed in the employment department in 2011 is an understatement. I was unemployed for a little while in 2009 and never did things go as well as they did in 2011. I even actually enjoy what I do. It’s exhausting at times and stressful but after doing retail for 5 years and being a college student having my own desk and a rolly chair is a treat!!! I even ran into an old friend from high school who was in the same shoes as me and we hit things right off and have been BFFs ever since.

Throughout the fall I spent a lot of time with friends and really focusing on my commitments at church. I started volunteering with middle school girls which has been quite a challenge for me! It is a whole different world than my Kindergarten and 1^st grade Sunday school class! I took time and read a real book and started working out like a crazy woman. I did very well and dropped a bunch of weight. However with the holidays I fell off the workout wagon and gained it back. Go figure. It is a lifestyle change, not an overnight change.

I was dealing with someone that was a huge part of my past getting pregnant and then getting married. He was moving on and I wasn’t. I was still floundering in dating life and he seemed completely content and happy. Finally after a long Aisle 13 conversation I finally received the closure I needed to close that book of my life. At the same time I was dealing with a friendship that I had invested so much into that was ultimately draining my fragile mindset but one that I cherished so dearly. It would soon spin out of control possibly due to the connection that she had to my past. It literally was going to drive me nuts unless I ended portions of it.

I had free time with no homework to fill it. It was a crazy feeling to not start school and have to attend class. Like I said earlier, I am not a very good student. (My attendance records and homework grades showed that in college.) I spent almost every night of the week being busy with friends, commitments and obligations. It got so crazy that I had almost every night booked for two weeks. I may have overdone it with my social life. I dedicate some of my lunacy to trying to fill all of my downtime with events, being places and micro-managing every minute of my life. While at the same time, wanting to be flexible and do what I wanted.

I went into Thanksgiving and Christmas with high hopes that my family could “hold it together” and not lose our minds without daddy. Impressively enough I think we did fine. It must have been all of the prayers that you were sending up for us. I know that I had sent 2011 out on a high note because I finally had LASIK surgery completed and even took an impromptu trip toFloridafor New Years. I felt that I had finally accomplished my number 1 goal in 2011, to just be me.  I know it’s an uphill struggle to put what everyone else thinks about me out of my head but I know it’s worth a try. I started 2012 with the mindset of, “I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be. I am an imperfect person who deserves as much grace as the next person.”

Looking back to the darkest times I had hoped on soon seeing the light. Even during the spring of hope I knew there would be times of despair. For my own personal privacy I did not list any of those. I tried to be as real as possible but guarding my privacy. 2011 was a year I won’t soon forget. I had MANY foolish times and several more times of wisdom I wish I had listened to. Thankfully it’s behind me and I can learn from it.

Going into 2012 I can only hope that I will have more seasons of springtime and less winters of despair. However, if I’m being honest, I know that there will be times of difficulty that I will look back to in 2013 and learn from those mistakes as well.

“Have you ever reminisced on something in the past, thinking of every possible way you could have changed it, made it last, made it work? You spend your days waking up, thinking about it, going through your day thinking about it, hoping and praying it will come back, nothing lasts forever.

We go through our lives thinking about yesterday and not today. You’re in denial, heartache and regretting.

We’re young, we’re reckless, we make mistakes, we lose people we love and that’s just the way life works.

Letting go isn’t being weak or giving up,

…..it’s growing up.”

How true.

As some of you have read this morning I am wearing my glasses full-time for two-ish weeks until December 29th. Why? Well on that day I have been given an amazing gift from an anonymous friend to have the LASIK procedure. I, of course, will have to qualify for it at the initial appointment and if I do I will have the procedure done that day. It only takes about 30 minutes.

So, why make such a big deal about it? Well I have heard time and time again “I did not know you wear glasses?” That is for good reason. I hate them and try my hardest to NEVER let anyone see me in them. It’s really important to understand that I am grateful for them but they are such an inconvenience. It all started back in 2nd grade when I learned I could not see the board.

Every year they did an annual wellness check on students at school. I don’t remember what all they did other than the vision exam. Our parents had signed permission form for us to have a wellness check and the school nurse administered it. I remember being in line in the cafeteria and each student reading the vision chart on the wall. It was about the length of a cafeteria table. It was my turn and I stepped up to the line. I was super shy in school and easily embarrassed. I looked at the eye chart and realized I couldn’t read the letters, at all. Well I got upset. The nurse said, “Well let’s move halfway down the table.” So I did. I still couldn’t see it. I remember tearing up because I was so embarrassed. I then stood about 6 foot away from the eye chart on the wall and could only read the top letter “E” and two letters off the second line. I was mortified and was sent back to class with a letter home to my parents. About a week later I was check out of school early to go to the eye doctor.

I had to pick out frames after the Doctor told me I needed some glasses. I didn’t really like any of them. They looked goofy and I knew I would have to wear them every day because the Doctor said so. I was already scared of what the kids in class would say. The next day we picked them up. I remember putting them on and looking at the Dairy Queen sign in Cartersville. (The old Eyeworks was in that shopping center.) I could see all the letters! It was amazing. I had no idea I could not see.

I went to school the next day and remember everyone noticing my glasses when I pulled them out of my case to see the board the next morning. I remember a boy laughing at me and calling me four-eyes. I remember all those days in gym when I broke my glasses because I couldn’t see the ball and it hit me in the head. I have really bad vision. There were many days the school nurse taped my glasses together. I hated gym.

Every two years I went to the eye doctor to get new lenses. My mom and dad thought it was impractical to buy new frames. It was money saving to just change lenses because my RX was so expensive. I kept those same ugly pink and blue frames until middle school. I FINALLY got brown ones to match my brown hair. I hated those too. I looked nerdy and no cute guys and middle school wanted to “go out” with the nerd I was. Anyway I finally convinced my mom that I needed contacts. I FINALLY got them Christmas break my Freshman year of high school. It was part of my Christmas presents. When I went back to school after break EVERYONE noticed me and thought I looked so strange without glasses. I could feel my self-confidence being boosted. I have said time and time again that I think the best invention ever is contact lenses. I am so thankful that I am able to wear them to correct my vision. It is one of the things I am thankful for DAILY!

Since the arrival of contacts to my eyeballs I never wore glasses. I took precious care of my contact lenses and received praise from my eye doctor that my eyes were in good health. I only wore my glasses at home before bed. Eventually those lenses became outdated and weren’t practical for me to wear in public. About three years ago my eye doctor informed me I needed a new pair of glasses should I have any mishaps with my contact lenses. So I broke down and bought the pair I have now. As the years have progressed my vision gradually got worse and worse. As you grow, your eyes grow and change too. Eventually instead of having major changes they eventually level out. This time they did. He mentioned LASIK to me and asked if I had ever thought about it. Of course I had but never followed through with it. He suggested that I look into it because my RX change had stabilized.
After purchasing these new glasses three years ago I wear them on a very rare occasion. My vision is terrible. I cannot see any more than three inches in front of me. When I do wear these glasses it’s almost a safety hazard. They have no peripheral vision (tunnel vision) and I can only see clearly what is directly in front of me. Driving and navigating steps are quite a hassle because I have no depth perception. It has occurred to me over the past year that eventually I will no longer be able to wear contact lenses and my reading vision will eventually diminish with old age. I am thankful for the medical knowledge we have today because back in the 1800s I would most certainly been issued a blind-man’s cane and labeled “blind.” However, I want to utilize the options that I have and I feel LASIK is a wonderful option.

After years and years of torment and bad memories with my terrible vision I can’t wait to see where this takes me. I have to wear my glasses for two weeks to re-shape my eyes for the best results of LASIK and am doing everything I can to achieve great results. I am very nervous about the procedure should I qualify. I have heard horror stories as well as awesome results all in the same. I also know that these next two weeks are going to be hard wearing these terrible glasses. My self-confidence has plummeted in a very short 3 hours. I can feel myself getting frustrated with only seeing what is directly in front of me. I know that this will be a learning experience and make me see exactly how lucky I am to live in a great place where contacts and glasses are readily available.

So if you see me out wearing these horrendous things please recognize I am embarrassed and most likely frustrated. The daily tasks of showering, doing my hair, and putting on make-up will be frustrating. I can’t wear them in the shower and not while I put on eye make-up. It’s going to make me appreciative like I never have been of glasses. Should I not be able to have the procedure I will hopefully be thankful for my glasses and contacts. Please pray for me that I can maintain my sanity during this time. I will be stretching myself emotionally and it is already going to be a very tough Christmas. Tis’ the season of lots of events and seeing lots of people. I can assure you I will be very uncomfortable and self-conscious.

Thank you so much to my anonymous giver who is making this possible. They may never read this but I am forever grateful that I am so special to you. Thank you.

If there is one thing that I am always grateful for, it is friendship. I think true friends get you thru thick and thin. It may a happy time, a stressful time, and sometimes a hard time. A TRUE friend is there no matter what. I have lots of acquaintances and people who I regularly hang out with/text/call/see but one friend, who I have known the longest, who knows me inside out, backwards, forwards, upside down and sideways, and I can count on for anything. Cami.

I’ll never forget the day we met. It was a week before the first day of 6th grade at her cousin’s birthday party. We discovered that we were both attending the same middle school. On that very first day she popped up in my first class. She was on my team and in all my classes! I was so excited to see a familiar face! After that I would pretty much rather forget middle school. I hated it. It was miserable for a non-athletic, nerdy, awkward girl. As a matter of fact I remember several instances where I was picked on by her and her friends. (No names here, to be respectful) I even can think of a few times I was excluded from the lunch table, not invited for sleepovers, and rude comments behind my back. It makes me nauseous thinking about it. Nonetheless, our “friendship,” or whatever it was at the time, was made solid upon entering high school.

I will never forget some of our favorite memories, whether it be on a Friday night bus-ride to a football game, after school at practice (entertaining ourselves doing God knows what), to copying homework, (NOTE: she always copied mine), coordinating our schedules and convincing the counseling office to adjust them. And tons of other crazy moments which deserve a blog of their own. I can even remember summer vacations with her family to Florida and endless nights of mischief which I feel does not need to be disclosed. Her family became like mine, and vice versa. Doing the teenage years together forever sealed our friendship. We were inseparable. Ask anyone. My favorite memories are almost all involving crazy Cami/Christy moments. (baby powder anyone?) or rather, What’s YOUR favorite Cami/Christy memory? Comment Below.

I won’t bore you with the inside jokes, or things that mean nothing to anyone else, but what I can say is that I was always there for her and she was always there for me.

Unfortunately, after we started college we had a falling out due our significant others (whom neither of us are with anymore) we lost contact for a very long year or so. In that year I missed out on a very troubling time in her life. I am not sure if I can ever forgive myself for not being there for her. The one time when she needed me most and I let a falling out influence my support for her. Thankfully all things got better and we moved right along, I even watched her get married to her all-school-long crush! I am so blessed to say that when I needed her on a very sad, horrible, day in January that she was the first person I wanted to call or talk to and we picked up exactly where we left off. She has been my support, only a phone call, or text away for me to cry my eyes out to or to yell my frustration/anger out and she ‘gets’ me. She is a God-send and is probably the reason I survived my Senior Semester given all the things I had going on around me.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being you,

Our friendship has had its ups and downs, like any normal friendship. And I am so thankful that she has been my friend for over 10 years. I know that we have many other hurdles in each of our lives that we will be there for each other. Here’s to the Good Times! Happy 10ish years of friendship Cami!

I've been wearing my house shoes a lot lately since I have not felt up to going anywhere. And they are comfy and cute!

Over the past two weeks I’ve been dealing with a horrible little 5X8mm kidney stone. Several people have messaged, texted, or even asked me how I was doing. I figured a simple update would suffice. I woke up in the middle of the night doubled over in pain and couldn’t seem to stand up straight or get comfortable no matter which way I moved, tweisted or turned. The throbbing pain felt terrible and made me cry. I thought I had just a terrible stomach virus that one of the kids at work had given me. After a hellaciously painful 4^th of July weekend I finally convinced myself I needed to go to the doctor. I am not someone to run to the doctor immediately if I’m ‘sick.’ I believe in OTC medications and hope for the best. I am also pretty healthy so it was odd for me to be doubled over in pain my whole weekend. I just assumed I had a horrible stomach virus that had my stomach hurting so terribly. The day of the 4^th I was actually feeling better, but very tender. I didn’t move a lot because I was scared of that pain coming back and I was able to finally keep food down. The next morning I woke up doubled over in pain and thought surely I was dying. It was time to go to the doctor. I knew something was very wrong and I was hoping for the best.

After spending my morning at Urgent Care and then proceeding to radiology imaging office for more tests it was determined that a kidney stone was wreaking havoc on my kidney tubes. Thankfully advanced medical knowledge prescribed me lovely medications to ease the pain and help me rest. However I needed to pass the thing quickly because the doctor told me it was my decision to go to Florida kidney stone or not. So I, the stubborn, beach loving, 20-something packed the medications and off to Florida I went. And here I am two weeks later with this thing still causing me strife. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and HOPEFULLY we can come up with a solution to get me back to my normal self.

Apparently, since there is no family history of kidney stones, the doctor believes it was caused by dehydration. Well thankfully I am now happily hydrated with a river flowing in me because I have been drinking 4 liters of water…A DAY! I guess I will have to keep this up in the future even though I have not been one to be soft-drink or caffeine crazy. I guess I will have to just cut them out completely because I can assure you, this pain is not worth it. AT ALL. I have learned two things in this adventure.

1. I have zero pain tolerance. Absolutely NONE. I also get very sick when given pain medications. My body also does not tolerate those well either. Thank goodness for anti-nausea medications.
2. I salute and have a whole new appreciation for mothers who have natural childbirths. OMYGOODNESS how you survive that is BEYOND my imagination. I’ve had my dose of something somewhat like it, and I can honestly say that I have no clue how you survive it. You women are saints. There is no way this girl is having a child without many medications!